Jimmy Chan: October 2008 Archives

These are some brilliant videos of Mike Rowe (Of Dirty Jobs fame), as a salesman for QVC.

Animated Love


Seagull Bracelet


Lava Lamp


Precious Moments


Katsak Cat Toy


Cherub statues

Nighttime rambling

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I wrote the following late at night sometime last week in a notebook on my desk.

So I've come to realize something about the way my brain works.  It seems that the best ideas I have come right before I go to bed.  It's as if my brain decides it needs to meet my creative demands before it becomes a hostage to my subconscious, and it's forced to develop Stockholm syndrome for the sake of producing, writing, and directing yet another dream about me having to defeat my college landlord in another arm wrestling/go kart construction competition.

There are times where I worry that all these years of sleep deprivation took their toll and damaged my creative sense beyond repair.  But, this depresses me, so I just choose to distract myself with thoughts of chimps fighting ducks in a kiddie pool, and images of Al Roker fighting Gary Coleman and the cast of Cats in a battle royale for control of a Japanese powdered-donut concern.  And while this thought doesn't make sense, I accept its effectiveness as a mental flashbang.


Why am I so worried?  Nothing seems out of the ordinary, but maybe that's the point!  I spent so many years working to accept the fact that I don't qualify as "normal", that now that my life has gained a great deal of stability, I've become the proverbial caveman introduced into the modern world, adorned with warm pants but hesitant none-the-less.

I'm sure I could drive myself crazy thinking about this stuff, assuming that I haven't already.  But how would I know?  What constitutes a fair sanity litmus test?  Three-thousand years ago a lot of people would have said that believing a dog-headed-being controls the world you live in after you die, and believing this is normal, and believing anything else makes you a cultish nut job.  Nowadays they say that the son of a carpenter and a married virgin woman was born in a barn in Bethlehem in the year zero, and not only was he God, but he was also simultaneously the son of God, and that God has no beginning or end... believing this makes you normal...

Normal or sane, I can't be both!

So your internet connection has been flaky lately, perhaps this troubleshooting guide from AT&T will help solve your modem problems which could include any of the following:

  • Modem is smoking.
  • Modem is making a loud humming noise.
  • Modem is smashed into bits and pieces.
  • Modem is melted and misshapen.
  • Modem rattles inside when shaken.
  • But what if my modem is currently engulfed in flames?  Is that how it's supposed to be?  Damn this insufficient guide!
    I love John Hodgman, he's an expert at sounding like an expert on anything.




    He also has a new book out called More Information Than You Require
    This political season has been pretty harsh.  The past few days I've spent time around a number of McCain/Palin supporters and it hasn't been pretty.  My parents and a few of my friends are among the ranks of people I have argued with, and my efforts have been largely futile.  Listening to my parents argue politics is like watching a crazed homeless man scream at squirrels, it's funny at first, nothing of value is stated, and everyone feels a little more uncomfortable the longer it goes on.

    I normally enjoy debating with people whose opinion differs from mine, but arguing with my parents about politics generally ends with my dad yelling about how he doesn't trust Obama because he thinks he's a terrorist, and my mom claiming that because Obama's half-black we can't guarantee where his loyalties are.  Those of you who know me should see the irony in this, since my parents are an interracial couple.  It's as if the two of them refuse to believe that they can relate to their own lifestyle.  It's like a black man joining the KKK, a member of PETA working for a slaughterhouse, or John McCain doing charity work for an anti infant-cannibalism consortium.

    The scales of slander have been leaning too far in the GOPs favor, so I'm glad that Larry Flint has decided to produce a porno starring a Sarah Palin look-alike to help even up the score.  Here's the first minute of it (SFW). 



    Tasteful?  No.  Necessary?  Absolutely.  I figure if you're gonna go low in attacking McCain and Palin, you might as well go this low.  Why not portray Palin having sex with two men who have horrendously fake Russian accents, under circumstances that were clearly written by a fraternity that was midway through another homosexual-thought-suppressing chug-a-thon.  God knows the Republicans aren't going to play fair with this election, I'm glad to see that Larry Flint is playing their game so that I don't have to.

    The Smell of Space

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    Steven Pearce, a chemist and managing director of fragrance manufacturing company Omega Ingredients has been commissioned by NASA to recreate the smell of space for astronauts in training.  What does space smell like?  Well astronauts claim that it's like "fried steak, hot metal and welding a motorbike".

    I'm sure there's a very scientific reason behind this bizarre combination of scents that are wafting through our galaxy, but I'd like to take the creationist approach and explain it this way: 

    God is James Dean and he's riding a motorcycle while holding a blazing hot cast iron pan full of brisket, and he's dragging a running arc welder behind him. - Rev. 23:1

    These are the words of the lord.
    I love puzzle games!  In this one your goal is to get the red object into the red area by constructing a machine out of some basic components.

    http://www.addictinggames.com/fantasticcontraption.html

    This Blog

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    I've decided I need to make an effort to write to this blog at least every other day.  There's too much ridiculous shit out there that requires my caddie comments in order to balance out the universe.  Please see exhibit A:



    That's right, it's a NASCAR-themed romance novel!  I found this book at a truck stop just outside of Fort Wayne, Indiana, which is obviously its natural habitat. It amuses me to no end to try and picture the women who fit into the key demographic this book was marketed towards.  I can picture her now, some woman named Naydeen Brotherfuck standing in front of the sink in her trailer scrubbing Easy Mac caserrole from a Jeff Gordon commemorative dinner plate while smoking two Virginia Slims and fantasizing about the day when she might get the chance to fuck a guy wearing a Tide logo.  Now before you judge me for my unfair portrail of NASCAR fans, I'd like to cite Amazon's synopsis of the book which says,

    "Not only did her late husband leave her ownership of Hammond Racing, but thanks to his last business deal, he's reunited Kellie Hammond with Lucas Boyce--by making him her star driver. The fact is, after one passionate night eighteen years ago, Kellie never thought she'd see Lucas again--even though she had his son....

    Now they're working together, whether she likes it or not. And they're feeling the heat on a daily--make that hourly--basis. But the surprisingly repentant Lucas is unaware he's a dad. And Kellie is this close to revealing the truth. Unless, of course, someone with a vendetta does it first...."

    Illegitimate children, racing and romance?  Someone phone the Pulitzer committee we have a winner!

    Years ago I entered a sweepstakes from Clear Choice Lasik for free Lasik surgery.  I didn't think I'd win, and I haven't, but I also didn't think they'd start sending me bizarre promotions like this one for a free Lasik clambake festival.

    lasikClamBake.jpg

    A chance to win free Lasik?  Clambake?  Crafts for the kids?  Costume contest?  I'm so there!




    3D Sketching

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    I love when a simple interface enables a person to perform a complex task.  Here's a new product that allows a designer to sketch 3D objects using a tablet.



    ILoveSketch from Seok-Hyung Bae on Vimeo.


    Are you prepared?

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    velociraptor.png

    Velociraptor attack season is coming, are you prepared for it?  The ASVAP (American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention) can help.



    Friggin' brilliant

    The eight phases to dating


    No one seems to actually like the political season, but I love it!  I love watching political ads on TV that bend the truth to make even benign actions seem as malicious and despicable as a suicide bomber in a puppy hospital.  If I were put in charge of a political campaign, I don't think I could withstand the urge to have fun with it.  I'd ultimately go down in flames as having produced the single most slanderous campaign in all of history.  Here are some of my ideas, imagine each of them as a commercial that fades into a black-and-white photo of John McCain with text snippets from each of these fading in and out of the screen:

    John McCain says he's pro-family, but did you know that in 2004 he used money he obtained from earmarks to bribe Hostess snack cakes for two hours of "anything goes time" with a vat full of Twinkie filling?
    John McCain - He had sex with your Twinkie.
    I'm Jimmy Chan and I approve this message.

    John McCain says he's against abortion, but did you know that his vampire physiology demands nutrients he can only acquire from sucking the bone marrow out of fresh live infants?
    John McCain - Eats babies.
    I'm Jimmy Chan and I approve this message.

    John McCain says he's tough on oil companies, but did you know that he once blew a white-supremacist chimp named Coco for two tickets to a Hall and Oats concert?
    John McCain - He's really working that chimp.
    I'm Jimmy Chan and I approve this message.

    John McCain says he'll fight to fix the health care system, but did you know he once shot Abraham Lincoln to win a bet with Hitler that he could travel back in time and frame John Wilkes Booth?
    John McCain - He uses his time machine for EVIL.
    I'm Jimmy Chan and I approve this message.

    John McCain says he wants to solve the housing crisis, but did you know he's going to hire roving bands of cats and hobos to defecate on your bed, urinate in your toaster, and spit in your mouth while you're asleep?
    John McCain - He shit on your bed during this commercial.
    I'm Jimmy Chan and I approve this message.

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    About this Archive

    This page is a archive of recent entries written by Jimmy Chan in October 2008.

    Jimmy Chan: September 2008 is the previous archive.

    Jimmy Chan: November 2008 is the next archive.

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